WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY and what we learned from it.

Let me cut to the chase: BE. MORE. DOG, for dog’s sake!

That’s what we learned from it.

By around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, I had resolved within myself that yesterday would be our last day, Tipper and I. He was exhausted, so we lay on the living room floor together for hours. When I called my mom, she was sleeping and groggy (it takes a long time for her to wake up and understand anything you’re saying). I found myself crying and screaming into the phone, “MOM! You’re not understanding what I’m saying! Tipper is going to be DEAD tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you in case you wanted to come say GOODBYE tonight.”

Lord have mercy.

I spent the day yesterday on and off the phone with the cancer clinic trying to decide whether I should have Tipper put down today at our appointment or to try to keep him comfortable for another week and a half when we have our next oncology appointment. God bless everyone at ACIC. They were on and off the phone with me all day, helping me find someplace I could take Tipper for an immediate CBC and results. My vet was filled and they didn’t have any doctors in today who could prescribe anything should there be a problem. We have an appointment for bloodwork at noon today, but when I called ACIC yesterday to tell them Tipper was lethargic and in so much pain he could barely move, they insisted I get the CBC immediately.

The CBC was fine. I knew it would be. (Trust your gut.) The doctor we finally did see about bloodwork and pain control gave us guidelines for increasing the pain meds.

We were home and settled by around noon, and I lay on the floor with Tipper most of the day yesterday, on and off the phone with ACIC. With the bloodwork fine, was there any point in waiting another week for our oncologist to get back into town? We had a chemo treatment last week, so was there even anything else we could do before next week? The oncology techs agreed that I couldn’t wait 6 more days with Tipper in pain. They tried contacting the oncologist who was out of town. She was LITERALLY in the middle of her daughter’s law school graduation ceremony. Ugh. The surgical techs finally suggested amantadine and managed to have it called  in to our pharmacy.

I spent the next several hours agonizing over whether or not to even pick up this new medicine, assuming it would be hundreds of dollars. Because really the bottom line is reconciling how much farther I will even go with treatments once the oncologist is back in town.

Finally, my mom called me around 3:30. I explained everything. I just can’t let him suffer. She told me she’d come over in the evening to say goodbye to Tipper.

No more than 20 minutes later, this dumb dog brings me his tennis ball!

I finally decided that even if he’s only going to be here one more night, I’d like it to be as little pain as possible. I picked up the new medicine. It only cost $32. (Kicking myself!)

When my mom drove up, Tipper jumped up and ran to the door. He chased his tennis ball for her. He ran to the door to watch her drive away. Dumb dog! And, with the amantadine, we finally had a smooth, yelp-free sleep.

While he was groggy and hesitant to get out of bed this morning, he sprung into action when his little brother Logan ran by with a bone. He ate heartily. When he heard me pick up a collar to put it away, he demanded a walk. He’s lying here by my side (I’m working on the floor) and won’t let me stop petting him for too long.

So, I don’t think today is going to be the day.

I’d like to fool myself into thinking that additional treatments of anything would improve his situation. I think we are beyond just slowing down the disease. I think that window has closed. But, our regular vet and our oncologist are both positive, hopeful, and empathetic people. Dr. Rogerson keeps reminding me that Tipper doesn’t know he’s got cancer. That’s a hang-up people have. Tipper just knows the moment.

So, while my mind wants to be filled with making decisions about metronomic therapy or palladia or radiation or just letting go, Tipper just wants me to be present. And so, for now, I resolve to let go and let dog.